Comments on: Self-Portrait http://www.unseenwhispers.com/2009/03/17/self-portrait/ A Journal and Forum for Writing in the Arts Tue, 25 May 2010 17:38:34 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0 By: Jospeh http://www.unseenwhispers.com/2009/03/17/self-portrait/comment-page-1/#comment-165 Jospeh Wed, 18 Mar 2009 17:04:34 +0000 http://www.unseenwhispers.com/?p=1062#comment-165 Thanks for the comments and the insights! Thanks for the comments and the insights!

]]> By: Anne http://www.unseenwhispers.com/2009/03/17/self-portrait/comment-page-1/#comment-163 Anne Wed, 18 Mar 2009 14:38:37 +0000 http://www.unseenwhispers.com/?p=1062#comment-163 Great job, Joe! My favorite part starts with "well worn shoes..." and carries right through to the end, though I think the whole piece is terrific. Sounds like an interesting character! Great job, Joe! My favorite part starts with “well worn shoes…” and carries right through to the end, though I think the whole piece is terrific. Sounds like an interesting character!

]]> By: Sarah http://www.unseenwhispers.com/2009/03/17/self-portrait/comment-page-1/#comment-162 Sarah Wed, 18 Mar 2009 14:27:58 +0000 http://www.unseenwhispers.com/?p=1062#comment-162 I enjoyed this, Joe -- especially the stanza: ...to the nose whose flared nostrils and clenched jaw summon disappointment over deserted farmland’s forehead whose old rows weather well-stayed feet of crows’ dancing dirge. The images in this stanza are very effective, but I think the rhyme feels a little forced the way the sentence syntax lands right now. You might try - "whose old rows weather | the dancing dirge of well-stayed crows." You might lose the crow's feet turn, but "feet of crows" seems a bit awkward to me - and the phrase "crow's feet" is familiar enough that we ought to catch it. Otherwise, though, I love this "self-portrait"! I enjoyed this, Joe — especially the stanza:

…to the nose
whose flared nostrils and clenched jaw

summon disappointment
over deserted farmland’s forehead
whose old rows
weather well-stayed feet of crows’
dancing dirge.

The images in this stanza are very effective, but I think the rhyme feels a little forced the way the sentence syntax lands right now. You might try – “whose old rows weather | the dancing dirge of well-stayed crows.” You might lose the crow’s feet turn, but “feet of crows” seems a bit awkward to me – and the phrase “crow’s feet” is familiar enough that we ought to catch it.

Otherwise, though, I love this “self-portrait”!

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